On Grief + Aliveness
I've been thinking a lot about grief recently.
Not because I'm sad. Quite the opposite, actually. I've been feeling deeply happy, content, expansive, and so freaking joyful.
Life has been particularly sweet, and in countless ways that I never could have expected.
My life has officially surpassed even my wildest dreams.
I couldn't be more grateful for all of it.
But I've been thinking about grief, because it has been a conduit for all of this.
I believe that our capacity for expansion, joy, and utter delight is directly connected to our capacity for surrendering to the profound heartbreak and despair that grief brings.
Grief comes with the kinds of title waves that suffocate us.
It brings a physical and emotional ache that feels like it may never end.
There have been moments when I wondered if it would kill me to feel it all.
Grief sucker punches.
It creeps in quietly.
It drowns us, covering us in such a deep darkness that it's hard to remember what the light feels like.
It will not be controlled or talked out of itself.
It does not respond to logic, because grief is the mirror of love.
It extends far beyond the capacity for logic, it's almost like magic in that way.
We can try to numb or avoid grief.
We can attempt to shame ourselves out of it, or stay in places that do not serve us in an attempt to avoid its wrath.
But when we do that, we trade the potential for profound joy for a sort of mundane, measured existence.
Given what I know now, I personally don't think it's a worthwhile trade.
Because when we surrender to grief, when we let ourselves get swallowed up, trusting only the process and our own capacity to regain our footing...
When we allow grief to be a conduit, for imprinting love into our heart and body, for cracking us wide freaking open, and for pointing to the places where there is more room for self love...
When we surrender to grief, allowing ourselves to lay bare before it, it can become a conduit for extraordinary expansion.
When we can surrender to grief, we allow ourselves to be changed in the most spectacular, life-changing ways.
I never wanted to be defined by my grief.
I raged against this idea for a long time.
I tried to outrun it.
To me grief meant sadness. It meant being pitied by others.
It meant weakness and darkness, none of which is who I believe myself to be.
But the truth is my light, my capacity for love and for holding space with others, my ability to shed and rebirth, my capacity for joy and pleasure and delight-- it's all connected to my grief.
Some days I feel sad.
Some days grief catches me and I feel like I can't breathe.
Sometimes it still stops me in my tracks.
But now I see that even the giant waves of grief can be cleansing, because each time I find my breath again I am steadier, softer, expanded, and more joyful.
Grief has been the ultimate conduit for my expansiveness.
It is the source of my aliveness.
And it can be the source of yours, too.
I am now taking new clients into 1:1 coaching containers where I can support you and hold space for you coming home to yourself, reconnecting with your magic, and finding your own expansiveness and delight. If you’re moving with grief and could use some healing and surrender, consider this your sign!
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to learn more about my coaching containers and see if we’re a good fit. I'm ready when you are!
with love + solidarity,
Victoria