A Quick Note on Accountability

I had a dear friend reach out to me recently after she had missed an opportunity to disrupt a racial microaggression in a community space that she's a part of. She was feeling disappointed in herself and wondering what she could do differently in the future. I have been her (and still am!) so many times, and I wondered if others could relate. So I thought I’d share what I offered her at the moment in case it resonates for you. And of course, some additional thoughts because you know how I roll!

Here’s what I offered her…

“I wonder how you can hold accountability for the things you wish you’d have done differently without self-judgment and shame— kind of how I imagine you mother when one of your kids misses the mark and you love them anyway ”

I wonder if you can do the same…

I realize that sometimes I may serve as a mirror that reflects back to you a way that you missed the mark or could have done something differently as it relates to allyship or antiracist action. So often my learnings have come in moments like that!

But I hope that I can also be a mirror for what self-compassion and growth looks like. What we can do in those moments when we are feeling disappointed with ourselves because I’ve been there too, plenty! And I truly believe that it’s in these very moments that the potential for growth is highest!

This is part of what disrupting ourselves looks like. Disrupting self-judgment, deflection, or avoiding by holding ourselves with loving compassion and accountability.

Self-shaming doesn’t facilitate growth. It will keep us small. Self-judgment is a replication of the same power structure that we’re seeking to dismantle.

Loving yourself and showing compassion without excusing your behavior, but with loving accountability is what change looks like. It’s what radical accountability looks like. And I believe that it’s also where growth lies and where we’ll find our capacity to stay in the discomfort.

I’m sharing in case you need the reminder today. You’ve got this. I believe in us!

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