On Motherhood + Healing
Last night I was really struggling.
Motherhood is hard.
Parenthood is hard.
The part of me that worries that maybe I’m not a good mother because I don’t check all the “good mother” boxes was triggered. She was feeling shame after trying so hard to hit all the right boxes.
Thankfully I’ve done enough of my own work to know consciously what was happening.
I initially had the urge to wallow.
Then came the urge to gaslight the feelings and tell myself it’s all fine.
But then came the tools…
I knew I had to honor this part of me and how she was feeling – to her it was all so real even if my conscious mind could see the bigger picture.
I acknowledged how scared she was that maybe she’s not so good at this whole mothering thing. I affirmed how noisy it gets when her brain and ears fill up with shoulds and other people’s voices. (I mean. Literally, everyone has an opinion on what makes a good mother, amiright?!) And then I held her in my heart and just allowed her to be scared and overwhelmed and worried about whether she was doing it right.
I made just enough space for wallowing that I could get my fill of self-pity.
And then I invited in the other “parts” of me that balance out the scared & overwhelmed mama. My wise self asked, “what even is a ‘good mother’? And who gets to decide?”
I asked myself what it means to me to be a good mother and who I want to be as a parent.
I brought in my superpowers– the ways that I hold space for my kids. How we do a Friday celebration dance every Friday morning & how they look at me when we laugh out loud together. I remembered how empowering it is to get to be yourself and break the rules of shoulds and supposed tos… part of why my kids are so fiercely and uniquely who they are is because I am so fully and uniquely me. And I can’t be that while also trying to be something else! Hello, good mother figure! *insert eyeroll*
I remembered all of the things that make me me.
That make me their mother, not someone else's.
And then I just loved myself and remembered that the beauty of motherhood is that it starts fresh every day.
And a good night's rest, a fresh start, and a Friday morning dance party would do just the trick!
I’m sharing all of this…
Because I know that I’m not alone in feeling like a failure as a mother sometimes. And I find it validating AF to see other moms share so I know I’m not alone. I’m trying to pay it forward and do the same…
Because we all have “parts” of us that interfere and get scared and make drama in our minds. And learning about my parts and the subconscious patterns that they play has been a mother fucking game changer for me! And I want to share it with you.
As a coach, I help clients meet their parts and understand their roles. Because the reality is that we are the sum of our parts and when we’re all working in sync, it’s freaking amazing! But often that requires some trust-building, healing, and subconscious work.
If you’re feeling the disconnect of some part of you not being aligned, coaching support could be a game-changer.
Listen to how you hear yourself talk!
The other day I had a client say to me, “this just isn’t who I am” about a specific behavior that they’d been experiencing. Another client said, “part of me is just so worried…” Another said “This is what I know I was meant to do, but then I start overthinking it and getting anxious”
These are all examples of our parts trying to be seen and integrated.
Having a mirror who can hear that and hold space to cultivate trust & integration with your parts can be so expansive!
Just this week a client told me, “I feel so much lighter since we talked to my anxiety!” she then went on to tell me that her physical chronic pain had been relieved for weeks following our session.
Parts work is just one part of my coaching (see what I did there?!) and it’s a powerful tool for integrating and aligning with our desires and goals.
If you’re ready to move with your fear instead of having it lead the way…
If you’re ready to get out of your head…
If you’re ready to feel more expansive, more capable, and more ease…
Let’s hop on a call to see if one of my coaching containers is the right fit for you!
I’m ready if you are!
In solidarity,
Victoria
P.S.: Some folks ask me how this all connects to antiracism and here’s what i say…
Who we are in the world is our antiracism work!
Because when I am unaware of my parts and their patterns, I leave my wounds in charge.
When my scared mother part gets worried that I’m a bad mother, she’ll try to avoid that feeling at all cost. She’ll start noticing and judging other mothers, looking for proof that I’m not so bad.
She doesn’t care about structural inequities, cultural differences, or systemic harm that makes Black motherhood far more difficult and dangerous, as an example, she just seeks ways to prove that I’m good.
So a privileged unchecked mind will perpetuate dominance through subconscious patterns continuing to cause harm.
But when we make the subconscious conscious and we begin to heal… then we can engage in community and see each other's humanity and connectedness. We no longer need to prove our own goodness and instead we can fight for our collective liberation.
Healing is a radical act and it is essential for antiracism.
