Happy Birthday, Shells

Today's my Mama's birthday.

I talk a lot about her here, so I thought today was a perfect day to say a bit more. Not just about the grief, but about her.

The reality is that I will forever miss my mother, even though I also know that I get to be the me that I am today because she's gone.
The truth is that I was too busy pleasing my mother when she was alive to actually live an authentic life. *face palm*

It's a kind of f*cked up irony that the hardest, most painful loss was also the thing that created the space for Me.

But that's the thing about grief, in my experience. It can hurt so bad that I think it might just kill me, but it's also opened me up to living so big that maybe the hurt is worth it. It's weird and confusing sometimes.


But back to my mom...

I miss her every day. Her voice, her touch, her hugs, her advice (even when I ignored it!). I miss her smell and her house and the way that she looked at my babies... there's a lot to miss.

Losing a mother is unmooring. It's like I was suddenly out here in the world, untethered. And I don't think that will ever go away. But over time I have found beauty and gratitude in how I've learned to tether deeper into myself. Still, I miss the security of her.


And I'll never not miss being looked at this way by her. 

My mother looked at me like I was magic until the literal day that she died. She made me feel safe instantly, just through her warm presence and smile.

But today I want to honor her and who she was, because my mother was a force. She was kind and warm and loving and generous and soft.

But the very best thing that my mom taught me was to live, because my mother lived.

She traveled and adventured and spent time with friends. I still remember her going out dancing when I was in elementary school! She refused to be confined to the boxes our society loves to put women into.

The very best thing that my mother taught me was to live. And she taught me that through her actions. Shelli lived big, and she was unapologetic in her desire to live her life on her terms.

I am so grateful that I get that from my Mama.
 

I am because she was.
Happy birthday, Shells.

Thank you for sharing her memory with me today, friend. It feels like the truest way to keep her magic alive and I deeply appreciate you receiving it.

Thank you, sincerely.
With love,

Victoria