Sh*t I Really Wish We'd Talk About!
This morning I went on a little bit of a rant on my Instagram about things that I desperately wish we would collectively talk about with more authenticity, honesty, and vulnerability. (Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6!)
I crave a world where we don’t all have to live in isolation, wondering if we’re the only one struggling with any particular experience. I crave connection and find great meaning and opportunities in the words “me too” as a reminder that I’m never alone.
So many of our social rules about what we do and don’t talk about are rooted in patriarchal white supremacy culture. These rules keep us small and isolated and insecure. And if you’ve been here long enough, you know that these are the exact kinds of rules that I love to break.
So here goes… here’s my list of things that I really freaking wish we would talk more about.
Death and dying. Death is basically the only thing we know for sure about life, the one shared and certain experience that we’ll all have. And yet, we die, grieve, and mourn in private. We refuse to honor what it means to shepherd someone towards their death or to grieve these losses. In the almost 11 years since my mother died, only one person has ever asked me to tell them about the moment she died. I wish this were something that we collectively talked more about.
Parenthood. Not only how delightful and wonderful it can be, but also how hard it can be. How often we feel resentful or sad about the life we had before kids. How much it sucks when our kids are shitty or unkind. How little validation there is on so many days. How often we feel uncertain and have to navigate it all anyway.
Divorce and shared custody. Sometimes it’s absolutely delightful to have days and weekends when my kids are with their other parent, and I get to be myself again, to rest and rejuvenate, and not have to cook meals. Sometimes shared custody is a dream and I wish there was more room for me to say that. But also, sometimes it sucks. It sucks to not be with my kids on holidays or important days, or days when they’re sick. Or just to have to be away from them at all. There’s grief and loss and a primal instinct that gets severed. I wish we could talk about all of this nuance and the highs and lows of it all.
Parenthood, part 2. I wish we talked more about how most of us don’t have perfectly healthy kids all the time. Most of us are parenting kids with physical disabilities, mental health stuff, learning disabilities, chronic illness, or some other “issues” that we weren’t conditioned to anticipate. And we navigate this stuff in isolation.
Healing. Sometimes healing feels like utter trash. We talk about healing as if it’s sunny and joyful and that we’ll somehow end up happy all of the time. That’s garbage. We’re human and healing means we learn to move with our natural rhythms, cycles, and emotional ups and downs. I wish we talked more about how painful healing can be and about the actual process and not just the before and after pictures. Healing is beautiful and vulnerable and important and sacred and also messy and uncomfortable and confusing. I wish we talked more about all of that.
Mistakes. We all make them and yet, we hate to talk about them. I wish we talked about the messy stuff and mistakes we’ve made. The times I forget to pay a bill or drop a ball on a project. I wish we could normalize this more.
Our own mental health. I am a neurodivergent human who navigates the complexities of life with an ADHD brain. It is simultaneously my goddamn superpower and the bane of my existence. It’s the thing that sometimes makes my relationships, business, and general adulting hard.
Sex. I wish we talked about sex, sexuality and desire more. The attempts to rid of us of our sexuality are a tool of the patriarchy and strip us of our humanity. Orgasms are great for our health and absolutely help my mood! I resent how much of my life I lived divorced from my sexuality and desire because of the socialization I experienced. I wish we talked more about it for ourselves and how we talk about it with our kids. Sex and sexuality are amazing and innate and sexy and fun and important. (Sidenote: this is how Reconnecting with Pleasure came to me– this wish right here!)
Money. I wish we talked more about money, especially among folks with marginalized identities: women, queer and trans folks, people with disabilities, etc.. How we make money, the money we need for surviving and thriving, and how we experience money.
Not knowing. I wish we talked about what it’s like to be a grown ass human who doesn’t know what they want to be when they grow up or who they are right now or what they want to do with their life. I coach so many clients who navigate this disorientation that comes when we stop following the rules or living in the boxes. I think our liberation lies somewhere in this confusion and I wish we talked more about it.
Inclusion. We have to hold space for people who don’t yet have the vocabulary or understanding to navigate the nuance of identity, but want to. In social justice spaces there are often black and white rules. There’s not always room for learning and evolving and humanity. Now I’m not saying that we should tolerate harm, but I am saying that we can give grace. You can read more here.
What do you think about this list? What’s on your list of things that you wish we would talk about with more authenticity and honesty?
Let’s talk about all of the things.
Break the rules.
Dance with the taboo.
And connect with our shared experiences.
What do you think, are you in?
With love + solidarity,
Victoria