Birthday Reflections

My birthday was this week, and I celebrated so well.

We went to Coney Island and rode kitschy, slightly terrifying, roller coasters, ate ice cream cake, and went to a water park.

I like to celebrate my birthday however my inner child desires, and she did not disappoint this year!

But it wasn’t always this way.

A few years ago a very dear friend of mine threw herself a birthday party on a random year, just because she decided that she was worth celebrating – that life was worth celebrating.

She was healthy, strong, vivacious, and making big plans for her future.

We had no idea that she wouldn’t live to see her next birthday.

Alicia was also a Leo.

And I will always remember her sparkling in her dazzling sequin dress, surrounded by people who loved her, raising our glasses to her. 

I think about her often.

But especially around our birthdays.

One of Alicia’s legacies for me, is celebrating life.

It’s easy to spend our time thinking about all of the things that we want, don’t have, or can’t have.

To stay focused on what we're striving towards.

What we desire for.

Or what’s not how we thought it would be.

The things we either don’t have or don’t yet have.

Birthdays can especially bring those thoughts and feelings up, triggering us to compare and take stock.

But birthdays can also be a reminder to notice all of the ways that life is beautiful today.

There’s so much that’s not going the way that I had hoped or anticipated.

Things that are so freaking hard I feel like I don’t know how to navigate them.

There are so many things that I still desperately desire and burn for.

Patterns I’m still healing and adapting, and some that I’m still reliving over and over again.

I thought at my age I’d have more money in the bank.

That I’d be standing on bigger stages, holding my own book.

I thought I’d have more figured out.

But then I think about all of the things that I have figured out, especially the things that i never imagined I’d figure out – like how to get 4 kids to 4 different schools all on time! Or how to grocery shop for a family of 6, with 3 ravenous teenagers.

Or how to parallel park a minivan. HA!

But more importantly, I have learned how to live a joyful life.

I have learned to be present with the ups and downs of life, including the parts that are so painful my heart aches at the thought.

I have learned how to ask for what I desire (more often than I used to!)

I have learned to love my solitude, and silence, and boredom.

I know how to be awed by my own gratitude for life.

To trust my own voice and heart.

To laugh like a little kid in the simplest moments, and especially on a rollercoaster.

I have learned how to positively love my life, even when it’s hard and especially when it’s not going the way that I had anticipated.

And that’s how I know I’m doing something right, even if my bank account is abysmal.

I trust that bigger stages are coming my way - facilitating important work and cultivating belonging in bigger rooms, with more people. That I’ll have less worry about providing for my children. And I trust that I will write a book, but maybe I have to live a little more so I have a juicier story to tell. We’ll see.

Loving life right now doesn’t mean I can’t also yearn for more!
It’s about finding the balance between celebrating what is, because tomorrow is never promised.

I hope today you celebrate you, like a Leo does – unapologetically!

Laugh from your belly, love your people a little harder, and remember how fucking magical you already are.

I love you,

Victoria